The Twilight Movies Ranked From Worst To Best

“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1” centers on one of the most important moments of a young woman’s life: graduating high school and immediately marrying her 100+ year old vampire boyfriend in his parents’ house. And of course, now that they’re united in unholy matrimony, they can finally have sex and not isolate Stephenie Meyer’s very young (and very Mormon) fanbase. Alas, thanks to the public school system’s lack of comprehensive sex education, Bella has become pregnant after having sex for the first time. There’s only one problem, she’s still a human, and that baby inside her is growing from Edward’s powerful vampire sperm.

This baby grows with the same rapidity as Robin Williams in “Jack,” which makes Bella sicker and sicker. Her pregnant belly looks like a Cronenbergian nightmare, and she has to drink blood to give the baby the nutrients it needs, despite not being a vampire yet herself. Meanwhile, Jacob is a massive baby about “losing” to Edward.

When Bella finally does give birth, it’s extremely traumatic and violent in a way that feels unearned. She dies, and Edward decides to change her right then and there in the hopes being an undead vampire will save her. It looks like Bella has died but then at the last second, she opens her eyes and reveals her new blood-red irises. This movie is the worst in the series because it is all build-up for the final chapter. Nothing feels like a complete story, and it’s mostly just a lot of cheesy dialogue with random slow-motion bits of brooding before randomly diving into borderline exploitation body horror. It’s a mess, but the film that kicked out casual viewers once and for all. (BJ Colangelo)